Got home late last night and saw that I had a choice, Family Guy reruns or a programme called ‘The Real Football Fan Show.” I waited in anticipation for the RFFS to begin.

Before it started the Channel 4 announcer warns that the show includes “adult language”; if only that were true. I imagined we might see West Ham and Chelsea fans exchanging opinions on where their respective club owners’ money originated, (pornography and Putin’s mafia mate) and dissecting the ethical challenges that provokes for the ICF and Headhunters. I wondered if we might see Arsenal and Spurs fans arranging a fight on Wembley Way on derby day while White Hart Lane is out of commission. The show included neither.

The programme started with a review of last weekend’s Premier League action. This was done by getting post-match soundbites from fans exiting grounds after the matches. This sounded promising.

I enjoyed hearing Spurs fans tear Pochettino’s tactics and formation apart. Always top quality moaning from those boys, but I was shocked any were to be found after the match near the stadium, as they usually leave Wembley early.

A good-natured Geordie showed genuine delight at having seen a late consolation goal against Arsenal. Someone wearing a Chelsea shirt said something meaningless. I waited in eager anticipation to see Scummers being interviewed after the 2-2 with the Seagulls.

Another disappointment in a programme of disappointments. The producer clearly couldn’t find anyone bothered to go to the south coast fixture, but then who was? It might have made the show to get a rant from a fan who had seen only two home wins in 2018 and just stormed from the ground after his or her team blew a 2-0 lead. Too much to ask of a TV channel without access to any footage of any PL action.

Then a bit of fan banter, “Which team do you hate the most?” Watford fans are clearly missing Luton’s company and struggled to name alternatives. Chelsea got several mentions from a few people, but why waste time asking Arsenal or Tottenham fans? I want to know who Bournemouth fans really hate. Is hate possible at Dean Court? Is the rumour true about Wimbourne Town because they have neater flower displays in the square than at Boscombe?

The star player interviewed was Troy Deeney, a man worth hearing out given his talent at setting about his opponents on the pitch and in post-match interviews.

A short rough edit of the chat with the programme host just showed glimpses of the man. We found out he loves winding up the Villa because he is a Birmingham fan (and possibly because AVFC let him go after being their youth team captain). He eyes lit up at the memory of scoring three times against Villa in one season season. Deeney likes watching football with his mates and hearing different opinions about the game. He comes across as someone un-phased by the Premier League theatre.

Unfortunately, in a programme designed for late night viewing and an assumption that the viewers have short attention spans, that interview was far too brief. Why did the production team waste precious seconds with the interviewer asking for advice on how to get his own weight down? Troy Deeney politely swerved that potential minefield when I might have said “How long have you got?”

The programme promises banter, but as it only includes Premier League fans in current kit, the banter is on the same level as anyone who finds the word “bottom” worth a giggle. It didn’t even get as high as that when a Spurs fan was asked if he would dare go out with the woman next to him in the Chelsea shirt just after he had said Chelsea were his pet hate.

The next studio shot showed the girl had moved to the end of the terrace. I prayed a sudden parting of the “crowd” would open up space for a proper row between these two, but truth be told she was too tall to stand stage centre and had been blocking the timid Fulham fan’s face from camera. C4 can’t be seen to exclude minority groups and probably feared fiercely scripted letters from Putney about discrimination, so they moved the girl. It is a football programme afterall and old attitudes don’t change overnight. Could they not have just passed the Cottager over the heads to the pitchside instead?

The studio set up is so off the mark I wonder if the set designer has actually been into a PL ground. There were no seats, just a faux terrace and some very shiney people in very shiney football shirts. So all standing, no disabled section and everyone has a club shirt on and we know Geordies don’t do shirts, of any kind, (their stripes are all tattooed on to save the laundry bills).

I switched off when a presenter wearing a badly fitting dress, (filmed from a height to show how badly fitting it was at the front), was about to embark into the crowd outside Stamford Bridge to ask something I couldn’t wait to hear.

Sadly Family Guy had finished, so I went to bed.

CLP 22/09/2018